How to get you MOJO back even when you're gosh darn tired!

How many times have I heard this same, old story? You’re a hard working woman with a business you’re trying to get off the ground while also raising three children, and after 15 or so years of marriage, you’re just so over sex.  Like seriously, a good book and a glass of wine are your go to pleasures.  I hear this all the time!  

And what’s the one thing my clients always say as both an explanation and an excuse? I’m tired, I'm so not into it.

It made me wonder, is the stereotype of the sex-denying housewife hitting a little too close to home these days in the modern day woman's entrepreneurial/executive world?

While 95% of me says that’s utter crap and you should find a way to get past it, there’s this other 5% of me that totally gets it. It’s the part who wants to live in my sweats and smash my alarm clock to pieces so I never have to get out of bed. Luckily that’s not the dominant part of my personality though.

I mean, what woman alive hasn’t had one of those days running around after her kids and running her business where all she wants to do at the end of the day is curl up in bed and go to sleep? Even with a husband as gorgeous as mine I know I’m not in the mood for sex 24/7, NO WAY! 

The problem is that science tell us that if you’re craving pleasure and the feeling that comes with that physical connection with another person, then you’re going to find a way to get it. One way or another.  Seriously.  Think about this, we are created to get it on, and procreate.  Our bodies go through a 28-day cycle every month for us to continue "getting it on" to prolong our species, create little ones to continue on to the end of time.  Men in particular are and have always been on the hunt so to speak to make sure that we do not go extinct.  

Look, I’m not saying that you need to drop your panties at every request from your man or else he’s definitely going to cheat, but our sex life is one of the big ways we can strengthen the bond with our partner.

Cutting that aspect out of your life entirely is detrimental to your health, wellbeing and of course, your relationship.

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Keeping the connection

While compromise is an integral part of any relationship, if your idea of a sexual compromise is to have sex with him but put in no effort in the hopes that he’ll be over and done with it ASAP then you’ve got the wrong idea of how compromise works. He’s after a connection, yet you want to go to bed. Neither of you are really getting what you want in that scenario.

So you’re not in the mood for the whole big performance or let’s be honest, being part of the cleanup crew afterward, but think back to your teenage years and remember that not all sexual encounters need to hit all the bases.

My biggest piece of advice to women in this situation is to find a way to satisfy his needs and strengthen your physical and emotional connection while also getting the job done quickly.

And there’s only one type of job I’m referring to right now: the blowjob.

Flat out refusing any sexual contact with your spouse creates tension and a rift that can grow more and more with each day. You’re ignoring the fact that their needs and desires are just as valid as your own, and this can start driving you apart and creating feelings of animosity and resentment between you both.  You do not want death bed, it will kill your marriage, your partnership.  Find a happy medium.  

What I’m suggesting is that you go against your instincts to put on your unflattering pajamas and instead put on something skimpy that shows off your body while still leaving a little something to the imagination. A tight tank top and some plain old panties, for example, can still do the magic trick for him, he is male after all and as soon as he sees your breast, game on. You don’t need to go full lingerie to get his motor running (especially if you’re not planning on taking him out for a real spin anyway).

Then explain (through your words or actions) that this is all about him. Take your time with your blowjob - after all these years you surely know how to get him going - and let him finish without reciprocating in the least.

The idea is, I might not be into it but I’m not going to give in, I’m going to give it to him.

Surprising him in this way will allow him to feel the physical connection he craves and needs and reminds him what an amazing, sexy wife he managed to score himself.

Not only will you be able to get into bed with your nether region untouched but your bond and relationship with your partner will still be strengthened.  (Although you may surprise yourself and rip off your clothes with excitement if your hormones start pumping, bam you too might get lucky!)

Unexpected benefits

While there are the obvious outcomes to this solution - his partner-assisted ejaculation and your ability to go straight to sleep without an unwanted marathon sex session - there are two other amazing benefits that you should consider.

Firstly, you might find that mid-way through getting the job done you’re actually more into it than you anticipated, in which case I’m sure he won’t mind if you wanted to get more involved.

Sometimes it’s just the idea of the effort involved in the act that we dread, but once we’re actually getting down to it and finding ourselves enjoying it then all those feel-good chemicals (dopamine, endorphins, etc) start flooding our brains and we want more (like I mentioned already).

Whether or not you stick to your guns and keep it all about him or join in the fun is not the important thing, it’s all about maintaining the physical side to your relationship so that you can continue living in a state of high performance and in committed union, stable and fulfilled.

Another added benefit of the surprise blowjob method is reciprocation.

If the effort involved in sexual relations is what’s making you tired then you might find that he will be grateful for the release you have given him and will want to reciprocate it down the track. Even the most selfish lover should be able to recognize how what you’ve done is amazing and sexy and will want you to have a similar experience.

This is all part and parcel of a strong, committed relationship and are some of the little things we need to keep in mind if we’re wanting to keep all aspects of our lives running at the same high level.

Fantasy and pleasure

This method of one-sided sexual release helps to fulfill another important part in our love life: aiding with the integration of fantasy and pleasure.  

When was the last time you fantasized a sexual encounter?  

When we think about sexual fantasies they’re usually boiled down to random fetishes or your husband drunkenly implying he’d like to have a threesome with you and your hot friend, but involving fantasy in your sex life doesn’t necessarily have to involve creating and sharing entire scenarios with characters and accents, it can be as simple as giving them a lasting memory that will spring to mind in future amorous times.

Our pleasure isn’t entirely dependent on physical sensations. We’re emotional creatures with vivid imaginations and strong memories, which is why it is integral that we create sexual memories that can continue to fuel your fire. Even when you’re not in the mood.

These pleasurable memories can give you lovely little mini dopamine spikes when you remember them and can help to increase your levels of arousal and your desire for more of that physical connection with your partner.

Sure you might not always be in the mood to drop your pants, but keeping yourself available for physical contact will help to keep your relationship as a priority.

Here are five quick ways on getting the deed done!

  • Grab some tasty lube and play with it all over your body.  Grab some from this company it's a friend of mine -- her sex like is amazing!  
  • Actually, make a date on the calendar with your partner, everyone complains about being tired but if you know in advance that you are scheduled to have sex, as trite as that may sound, this one trick will keep the two of you together and connected.  Neither of you will get the wondering eye.
  • Challenge yourselves to a seven-day sex challenge.  This challenge is exactly that but it's well worth it, and at the end of it the two of you will be more connected and you won't be tired... thin of all the hormones pulsing through your body.  ENERGY!  
  • Change positions or jump in the back seat of the car and pretend that you're back in college!
  • Grab a blindfold and a scarf and let your imagination run wild.  Your partner will love it.

Enjoy yourself.  Rev up your engine, let me know how it goes!